IMPORTANT NOTE: In her not-so-secret other life, our blog writer is a USA Today bestselling romantic comedy author. Once a year at Valentine’s Day, we give her one post to unleash her racier side on the Visit Bend blog. This is that post, so if you’re the sort who finds plain potato chips spicy, this may not be the post for you.

I love when Bend restaurants get crafty with menus. Creative names for standard fare make me hungry to shove food in my face hole. Parrilla Grill’s Wrap of Khan always earns a snicker, and don’t get me started on the Sticky Icky at Cheba Hut.

With Valentine’s Day coming hard and fast, let’s celebrate eateries unafraid to get risque. We owe thanks to those brave menu writers sprinkling something special in their offerings, from a twist of innuendo to a dash of dirty humor.

Here are six Bend treats to try if you’re thirsty for bawdy humor.

One of the newer faces in the Bend dinning scene, Sloppy Seconds by JuiceEasy.

Sloppy Seconds at JuiceEasy

A newcomer to Bend’s dining scene, JuiceEasy at the Campfire Hotel wasted no time hopping on the bawdy bandwagon. While JuiceEasy slings to-die-for breakfast sandwiches and fresh smoothies for the first meal of the day, things get racier with the afternoon meal supplied by Sloppy Seconds. Same restaurateur, just a different name and a menu with cheekily-named dishes like the Walk of Shame sandwich made with mambo marinated steak, grilled onion, red pepper, sweet hot mambo sauce, and cheese on a brioche bun. Top it off with a quirkily named side like the Chick Peezy for Sheezy Salad. Whichever meal brings you in, everything on the menu will wow your mouth, tickle your tummy, and leave the rest of you unsure if it’s okay to feel tingly in the swimsuit area (it is).

Pickles and Nuts at Dogwood Cocktail Cabin

True story: When Dogwood Cocktail Cabin opened, I vowed to try every cocktail on the menu. I’d made a good dent when the menu switched, which it does seasonally to keep things fresh. Speaking of fresh, check out the Pickles ‘n’ Nuts on their food menu. It’s a tray of house smoked marcona almonds and walnuts, pickled veggies, and castelveltrano olives. That combo pairs perfectly with a bright cocktail like the Dillicious (Aria, Lillet Blanc, dill, lemon, and egg white) or the Rye An’ Gosling (swoon!) made with rye, Angostura bitters, mint, lime, and ginger beer. Cheers to good old fashioned salty humor!

The Hummer at Rockin’ Dave’s isn’t listed on the menu, but if you ask…they’ll deliver.

The Hummer at Rockin’ Dave’s

While Rockin’ Daves slings some of the best meat in town (no smut intended) their vegan and vegetarian fare gets me worked up. For a filling lunch, try the Hummer made with hummus, cucumbers, local greens, and tomato on your choice of bagel. It’s a mouthful of tasty goodness made better by Dave’s commitment to fresh, locally-sourced ingredients and bagels boiled fresh every day. You’ll see it in the online menu and not the in-person one, but don’t be afraid to walk right up to that counter and proudly request a Hummer. If you can’t resist the meat though, try the Jamaican Jerk Pork featuring house-smoked, jerk-spiced pork, onions, peppers, grilled pineapple, and goat cheese. For a serious mouthful of meat, get the Spikoli Burrito brimming with hash browns, eggs, sausage, diced biscuits, caramelized onions, and tabasco rolled in a tortilla and smothered in gravy. It’s a lot to handle, but you can get it down. 

Take a break and enjoy a cocktail at San Simón.

Three Men in a Tub at San Simón

I’m not saying San Simón crushed my personal fantasy when their Three Men in a Tub mocktail vanished from the menu, but in my steamiest dreams, it will return someday. Nevertheless, you know a restaurant with the tagline “sophisticated debauchery” has plenty more up its sleeve. Indulge your secret nanny fantasy by ordering My Exotic Au Pair, made with Piedra Azul tequila, cinnamon vanilla liqueur, pear shrub, and fresh lemon. Teetotalers can try the mocktail version called Au Pair in a Tub, which is pear shrub, lemon, and soda. Might as well keep the international theme with a pile of Spanish Corn Nuts and perhaps some thick hunks of sausage on a charcuterie tray? Bon appetit, buen provecho, and ménage a…never mind.

The Shredding Lumberjack at Mt. Bachelor’s Clearing Rock Bar

Let’s pretend for a moment that Visit Bend’s blog was written by a bestselling romance author. Hypothetically. Said romance author would know that lumberjacks are one of the top selling hooks in contemporary romance. Hypothetically. She might even have a rom-com of her own with that word in the title (hypothetically) and would therefore know that Mt. Bachelor committed marketing genius with the Shredding Lumberjack on their Clearing Rock Bar menu. This buff, burly pile of sexy sustenance comes with melted cheddar jack cheese over beer-battered french fries topped with tomatoes, bacon, scallions, and chipotle ranch dressing. Anyone else need to roll around naked in snow? Just me? Carry on.

No trip to Kan Pai is complete until you’ve had the Orgasm Roll.

The Orgasm Roll at Kan Pai

Besides boasting some of the most rock-your-world sushi in Bend, Kan Pai has an extra helping of awesomeness on their menu. Guaranteed to make your toes curl, their Orgasm Roll features tempura unagi, crab, and cucumber, topped with avocado, creamy scallops, tobiko, and sweet soy reduction. Pair it with some of their sinfully good sake for a mouthwatering meal that’ll have you coming back for more. Keep that napkin in your lap, K?